I have not written about my transition for a while. We
are in the Hebrew month of Elul, a time of Ḥeshbon HaNefesh, of deep
introspection, as we approach Rosh HaShannah, less than two weeks from
now. I have written about this topic a little bit before but it’s been on my
mind lately so I thought I’d write about it today.
I am frequently around amazing younger
women. Some are trans. Some are cis. Some queer, some not. But when I’m around
them, the feeling I have is usually the same. I wish for the impossible – I wish
I could be who I am now, but younger, able bodied, single, and free of my
obligations.
When I came out as trans, a lot of
people asked me if I would now engage in open or polyamorous relationships. I
have been in a monogamous relationship for close to 36 years now. I asked them
why they would ask me that. The answer was pretty common. I was transgressing
societal norms by transitioning, so wouldn’t I also transgress other societal
norms?
So let’s look at “societal norms”.
These are largely imposed by “The Church”. That may be the Vatican, or the
Anglican. We’ve heard terms like Puritanical, Victorian and the like. In fact
Church law has deeply affected Judaism.
Anyone who has read the Tanakh,
the Hebrew Bible, knows that polygamy was originally allowed in Judaism. It wasn’t
until the Takanah, the deep decree of Rabbeinu Gershom in the Tenth
Century that polygamy was outlawed for Ashkenazic (western) Jews. It is still
practiced by some Eastern Jews however. This was Jewish Law imposed by the
Church.
Note that Jewish Law never allowed
polyandry (more than one husband). The Torah mentions cultic Pagan rituals as
the reason why. Presumably, also the issue of determining paternity would be a
factor. We didn’t have DNA testing back then. Patrilineal descent determined
inheritance, so knowing the father with certainty was a must. BUT, we do not
justify Torah law with science or logic. Neither do we override it with the
same, no matter how strong these arguments might seem.
In any case, people were asking me if
I would transgress societal, e.g. Church norms. But I’m not a Christian. I’m a
Jew. In fact, I’m a rabbi. As such, I’m expected to live to a higher standard,
to be a moral example for society. Every Jewish movement has moral and ethical
expectations for their clergy. Even if they acknowledge and accept certain
things from members at large, clergy are held to a higher standard.
I am a pluralistic rabbi, ordained
from the original Pluralistic Seminary, The Academy for Jewish Religion. We
have ethical and moral standards as well.
So being unaffiliated with a religious movement does not free me to act
as I want.
Pirke Avot, the last tractate of the
Talmud, asks, “Who is the mighty person? The one who manages their
inclinations.” I make no claims of might, but I do try to manage my
inclinations.
I do personally believe, as the Torah
describes, that people were intended to have more than one mate, and that
monogamy is an artificial state. But the civil law, religious law and ethical
standards are things I am obliged to follow. In addition, I’m a retired
military officer. A recent Supreme Court decision states that I am subject to
recall to active duty for Courts Martial if I violate the Uniform Code of
Military Justice. All this to say that
even if I WANT to be in a polyamorous relationship, it’s inadvisable.
Susan and I have discussed it, too. She does not support the idea. We have been
together too long, and I value our relationship too much. So despite my desires
and beliefs, I continue to manage my inclinations, using whatever might I may
have, and toe the line.
In any case it’s an impossible dream
to be young and healthy, and I’m sure that those amazing young women aren’t
really interested in a broken old trans woman anyway.
May we all be blessed with health,
happiness, pleasure and all permissible good things in the coming New Year!
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